Running away isn’t going to make your problems disappear, but it might just provide a new perspective inspiring you to do things differently this time around, and ultimately change long-held patterns that no longer serve that higher purpose.
And as we were walking with the two dogs through puddles in the middle of a thunderstorm, she wondered out loud if maybe a store would be open on the way back. “To buy an umbrella?” I asked. “No, for chocolate,” she immediately replied.
Despite coming to shake up some internal shit, at the same time we could recognize the inherent danger in living a life where healing is your # 1 past time.
Toward the end of 2022 and beginning of 2023 after a visit with someone who has repeatedly failed to show up for me, somehow instead of the stages of denial, I felt myself rooted within various sequences of exhaustion. From bitter angry judgements, to a non-caring nonchalance, to a place of foggy uncertainty, to loving unity. It was a very strange cycle, from one drastic end to its polar opposite, all within a very short timespan. I was lonely. In serious need of support and unwilling to accept the breadcrumbs of good or half-assed intentions: I have been so incredibly tired of my expectations constantly bring crushed, challenged, or just plan unmet. Even when they are spoken clearly out loud.
NO TENGO TIEMPO PARA PERDER EL TIEMPO
While this year started off somewhat slow, it suddenly increased to lightning speed around March and April. Good thing I’m a dancer: all of these pivots wold make any normal person fall over, and lord am I fucking dizzy.
I returned exhausted to the place I grew up, having been going weeks without stop. My godmother told me upon arrival to think of my time with her as a retreat, and for about a week I locked myself in the apartment with all of her beautiful paintings, leaving only to walk on the beach and reconnect with my long-time love, the Pacific. I visited several old friends and forged new connections, each of which bringing their own adventure as well as important lessons surrounding confrontations and boundaries. Breaking my own damn heart all over again. I suppose we have all been exploring our unique desires to grow either together or apart. Every interaction or confrontation seems to have much greater meaning right now: as I learn more about what I actually want, and go for it, unafraid and even excited to face the great unknown and meet new adventures head on. And when it was time to go, I preferred to stay instead, just as I didn’t want to to leave Mérida before heading back to California. It was the longest time I had ever spent away from Chango, and I missed him like crazy. We spent the majority of April just the two of us.
Al principio de mayo, me cambié a una casa con una amiga y su perrito, Poncho, el novio de Chango. Estamos en la misma colonia donde vivía antes, cerca de todos mis gustos. Ha sido una convivencia bien bonita: el compartimiento y la profundización de nuestra amistad, decorando y creando un hogar cómodo y seguro, cocinando y comiendo juntas, jugando con los perris, y sobre todo, aprendiendo cómo vivir más ligeramente y comunicar mejor las necesidades. La segunda semana tuvimos una fiesta de bienvenida y cumpleaños, completa con alberca y una asada vegetariana. 15 amigos de varios lados llegaron a pasar toda la tarde platicando, chismeando en español. Viendo alrededor, me sentía tan llena y agradecida por alcanzar mis 30 y festejar con tanta gente bonita que me acompañan en el camino del presente. Luego salimos a escuchar música y bailar en la plaza grande: 12 horas de fiesta. Un muy buen inicio y con ganas de experimentar aún más alegría social.
Crescent Phrasing 