Author Archives: Rebekah Sophia

01.03.21

Nuggets from authors I love and philosophy on the mind. Reading and thinking about fear while understanding that abundance is entirely available.

There is this excess of fear bleeding out from periods of perceived starvation economies, continuing to stain oh so many of our lives. And atop of all of the past shit, there are now very real and justifiable fears surrounding institutions, the current, incredibly volatile administration, and the deadly and invisible COVID-19 virus.

Operating with glasses half-empty, permitting fears to rule over us, and granting power to others due to our own inaction. When we approach relationships, job opportunities or any other social settings from this place of terror, we are not in our authentic and whole selves, and because of that, ultimately will not get what we really want or need. We are constantly being provided helpful data: anger, fear and joy can all be good things. It’s all about the timing and situation.

When is it appropriate to be afraid, or to respond from a state of fear? When is it a good idea to let fear go, to bring down our guard and be vulnerable to change and the unknown? How is it possible to be safe no matter the circumstance? What does it mean to be our our own rock, the source of our own security?I am learning how important it is to hold firm when looking that scary in the eye.

And then I realized 
that to be 
more alive 
I had to 
be 
less afraid 
so 
I did it 
I lost my 
fear 
and gained 
my 
whole life. 
 
-Cleo Wade-

About month ago, at a fork in the road and faced with a tough decision, I visited a friend for some good old fashioned life advice. Mica told me that some time ago, she started asking herself what it is that she fears the most, then heading toward that. She recognized that though this was the road more challenging, it was also the one with the most room for growth. She also explained that, for those open to both spirit and change, opportunities to learn the lessons we’re meant to will continue showing themselves, despite whichever way we choose to go in the present moment.

I had an immediate gut reaction, finding the idea of leaning into my fears to be all at once unnerving, fascinating and totally compelling. My inner resistance to take on the terrifying came especially from exhaustion for having done precisely that for so many years already. What I have felt called to instead is to lean into and seek out joyous experience and expression. How ironic that now, when I am finally ready and able to step into a more wholesome happiness, I am being asked to continue down the rockier path. In so many ways, I arrived where I am today by putting my head down and fucking trudging along across the battlefield. It’s only recently that I have started to look up, gaze around where I’ve delivered myself, and wonder if this is where I truly wish to be.

I talked with Clae shortly afterwards about our shared history of not knowing how to remove the blockages obstructing our access to true joy. They acknowledged that childhood impacts and trauma have a deep relationship with our being able to reach and know that we deserve such joy. That it is not uncommon for people who have experienced a lot of suffering to feel stuck, or addicted to suffering, self-chastising and punishing themselves for no reason other than learned habit. I’ve been told multiple times by multiple people that I do not have to always take the difficult path, do things the harder way just because it’s harder. These people have encouraged easier ways: working smarter, not harder, taking shortcuts, not consistently putting in 100%. I’ve written about this before, and I certainty expect it will take hearing this message a few more times for it to really sink in, and for me to convince myself that these easier routes can be both acceptable and good.

I decided to take the spoon. And in many regards, choosing myself didn’t seem the scarier option. I am starting to realize that following the more conventional, or traditional lifestyle model would really not be following my purpose, desires, need for creative self-expression, spontaneity and embracing my growing edge. Being alone is absolutely a challenge, but is also something I’ve also been needing and craving for some time. I am in this cocoon: enveloped by a protective, defensive mush in the process of deep transformation. Into what shape and image, I’m not sure. I am choosing to trust that this internal focus and time spent re-connecting to self will ultimately allow me to let go of control, and really go after my curiosities and into the unknown.

There was a scene in this film where two couples were sitting on a picnic blanket together in the park playing a game, and guessing what each of them truly wanted. One of the women said of and to the other, gazing straight into her eyes, “I think you crave an unconventional life.” It was as if she reached through the void and was speaking directly to me: staring up at the screen in a friend’s living room in the dark.

04.02.20

A few nights ago I had a very emotional dream. A friend and I were in this room with a bunch of other people, though I didn’t recognize anyone else there. There was a balcony that looped around the perimeter of the room, with people all looking down at her, sitting in this chair on the ground level, in the very center of the space. I had to push through the crowd to get to her.

Once I got to her, she had either just died, or was in the process of dying. I kneeled on the floor and held onto my friend’s waist, hugging her, refusing to let go or surrender, just sobbing into her body. Her family wasn’t present, and I wasn’t sure if I should be the one to relay the news. I felt I needed to be with her sisters, and to just be with the people who really knew her. I went over, and her family understood. Her sisters adopted and enveloped me into their fold.

I woke up and texted my dream to this friend. The overwhelming sense of sadness was palpable; there must have been some kind of bat-signal. She was grateful for my checking in, and said that the day prior was one of her worst days in a long while. She described this huge sense of grief, a loss of self looming over her. The past year, she invested a great deal of energy toward shaping her life into something that she was proud of and excited about, diving head-first into several unknown challenges in the pursuit for more fully exploring long-held curiosities and passions.

Despite being terrified to leave a stable position without anything else lined up, she quit an awful job without a glance behind, and quickly found an internship with The Innocence Project, who brings justice to wrongly incarcerated people. She started learning dance, and quickly progressed through lessons, to being on a couple of bachata teams, to teaching classes in the studio and helping host events. All of these giant leaps and all of this unmistakeable bravery. Her recent actions and decisions have been incredibly inspiring, a big fuck you in the face of fear.

With the pandemic, all of these opportunities for growth were been ripped away. She found herself once again cramped in a much too-small a space of her family home, with no escape nor outlet. I talked about my experience mourning my own loss of self that had slowly developed over this past year and a half. I allowed my job and commute to rob my very essence and the deeper joy that resides within me, to steal my precious time and energy, in exchange for a few bucks and additional skills on the resume. I too became unrecognizable from the self I once was and desired to be. And just as I was just starting to come back into myself, to venture out to events and delve into the passions I had abandoned for far too long already, we were were all shut in.

In the past three or so years, I feel that this friend and I have been taking turns inspiring one another, learning from and influencing each other on a profound level. While geographically apart at this time, I am so very grateful for this friendship and believe that we will continue to support and stand by one another for many years to come.