01.03.21

About month ago, at a fork in the road and faced with a tough decision, I visited a friend for some good old fashioned life advice. Mica told me that some time ago, she started asking herself what it is that she fears the most, then heading toward that. She recognized that though this was the road more challenging, it was also the one with the most room for growth. She also explained that, for those open to both spirit and change, opportunities to learn the lessons we’re meant to will continue showing themselves, despite whichever way we choose to go in the present moment.

I had an immediate gut reaction, finding the idea of leaning into my fears to be all at once unnerving, fascinating and totally compelling. My inner resistance to take on the terrifying came especially from exhaustion for having done precisely that for so many years already. What I have felt called to instead is to lean into and seek out joyous experience and expression. How ironic that now, when I am finally ready and able to step into a more wholesome happiness, I am being asked to continue down the rockier path. In so many ways, I arrived where I am today by putting my head down and fucking trudging along across the battlefield. It’s only recently that I have started to look up, gaze around where I’ve delivered myself, and wonder if this is where I truly wish to be.

I talked with Clae shortly afterwards about our shared history of not knowing how to remove the blockages obstructing our access to true joy. They acknowledged that childhood impacts and trauma have a deep relationship with our being able to reach and know that we deserve such joy. That it is not uncommon for people who have experienced a lot of suffering to feel stuck, or addicted to suffering, self-chastising and punishing themselves for no reason other than learned habit. I’ve been told multiple times by multiple people that I do not have to always take the difficult path, do things the harder way just because it’s harder. These people have encouraged easier ways: working smarter, not harder, taking shortcuts, not consistently putting in 100%. I’ve written about this before, and I certainty expect it will take hearing this message a few more times for it to really sink in, and for me to convince myself that these easier routes can be both acceptable and good.

I decided to take the spoon. And in many regards, choosing myself didn’t seem the scarier option. I am starting to realize that following the more conventional, or traditional lifestyle model would really not be following my purpose, desires, need for creative self-expression, spontaneity and embracing my growing edge. Being alone is absolutely a challenge, but is also something I’ve also been needing and craving for some time. I am in this cocoon: enveloped by a protective, defensive mush in the process of deep transformation. Into what shape and image, I’m not sure. I am choosing to trust that this internal focus and time spent re-connecting to self will ultimately allow me to let go of control, and really go after my curiosities and into the unknown.

There was a scene in this film where two couples were sitting on a picnic blanket together in the park playing a game, and guessing what each of them truly wanted. One of the women said of and to the other, gazing straight into her eyes, “I think you crave an unconventional life.” It was as if she reached through the void and was speaking directly to me: staring up at the screen in a friend’s living room in the dark.